nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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