did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
