she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
