Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Of course I have a pirate flag
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
