he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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