I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
