Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
