apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
