My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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