You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
