Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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