I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
