I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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