My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
