The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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