3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
