I'm lost and stupid without you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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