You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
