i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
