i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
