Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
