i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
A+ Viking dick
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
