You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
