My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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