Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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