lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
