I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
