Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
the raccoons are back...
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