Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
