A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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