he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
