Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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