im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
