just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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