From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
