u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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