Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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