god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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