Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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