I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
