if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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