"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
