it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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