all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
