I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
