I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
