Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
