I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
