I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
