i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
