Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
