Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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